I usually keep this stuff to myself. I try to just put out positivity, not to be inauthentic but, because the world has enough crap out there. This morning another thing was piled on to the mountain of emotions and pain I was feeling. It was a small thing by anyone’s standards, but after that was added my chest started hurting. I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath. My entire body hurt. I became very sad and anxious and I wanted to drink and just disappear. I don’t remember the last time I felt so lost and miserable. I didn’t drink or do anything to hurt myself but I put myself to bed. After a couple hours I got a text message and was asked to help put the horses in the barn. I helped and then went out to love on my horses a bit. I guess I’ve been so depressed and out of sorts I haven’t even wanted to see them and spend time with them. Anyway I stood with them and let them rub on me and I would rub their necks and shoulders. It wasn’t until I got back home that I noticed that when I was with the horses today was the only times all day that I had some relief from the pain in my chest. The anxiety was still in the background but it was much much less when I was with the horses. I am looking forward to a new schedule that should allow for more horse time.
Why is it so hard to do the things I know will make me feel better? Why is self care so hard when you need it the most?